Feels like the first time
By Liz Biggs
I’ve been reading a lot lately. Serious book club books like “The Covenant of Water” by Abraham Verghese, “James” by Percival Everett, “Demon Copperhead” by Barbara Kingsolver, “Lady Clementine” by Marie Benedict, “The Frozen River” by Ariel Lawhon, “North Woods” by Daniel Mason, and “The Women” by Kristen Hannah. And entertaining book club books like “The Five-Star Weekend” by Elin Hilderbrand, “Funny Story” by Emily Henry, “The Wedding People” by Alison Espach, “Hope This Finds You Well” by Natalie Sue and “From Here to the Great Unknown” by Lisa Marie Presley and Riley Keough.
But in between ambitious, dry, historical fiction and spicy, popular, beachy bestsellers that I enjoy discussing with my Lit Chix while drinking wine and eating snacks, there are authors that I sneak read and don’t discuss often. Tim Kreider, Joan Didion, Kurt Vonnegut, Eve Babitz, Tom Robbins, Miranda July, Bill Bryson and James Salter to name a few. Slightly irreverent, yes, but these authors write the stories that live in my head. If I’m using Audible, sometimes I’ll slow them down to below 1.0 just to savor the delicious prose or give my brain extra time to let a sentence really sink in. Some of their books I’ll read two or three times because the first time was just a hookup and I want to get to know them better. The characters are so vivid that I feel like I’ve met them somewhere. They take me to places I’ve never been. They give me the feels. Like this quote at the end of Eve Babitz’s “Sex and Rage” --
“It was all gone. She knew she’d never be able to see Dobson & Dalloway for the first time, she’d never get scared of Wally Moss and hide in the ladies’ room putting on lip gloss, she’d never be able to not go someplace because Max was there… And she’d never see New York in this euphoric condition. And she and Wini would probably never have dinner on Fifty-second Street in that Japanese restaurant for as long as they lived. The first time was all gone.”
Oh, how I feel this, Eve. Every time I walk by my childhood home down the street — the memories flood my brain, but they seem so far away; the house looks modern and different now. I can hear Tommy Keene singing “Places That Are Gone” in the windmills of my mind. My college town, Mobile, Alabama — the college bar across the street, Doctor Feelgood’s, is a bank now. I close my eyes and remember the day I walked in looking for a job. I can hear the band playing as I served up longnecks and Long Island iced teas. I can smell the popcorn I so hated to make. The pinball machines ding as I walk down the hall to clock out. But it will never be the first time again. The first time is all gone.
That study abroad I did in London — the sleepy King’s Cross tube station near my dorm — I hear it is a tech boom area now, all built up with high-rises. If I close my eyes, I can see the mailbox I checked daily in case I got a letter from home. I couldn’t afford to make a long-distance phone call from the bright red phone booth across the street; I never had enough coins.
The excitement of moving to Atlanta for my first real job out of college! Living in Virginia Highlands – meeting friends at Taco Mac after work, shopping at the Disco Kroger, concerts at The Roxy, late nights at the Majestic Diner. Traveling to NYC for work in the ’80s — staying at the Ritz and Plaza, but dodging the rats in the streets walking back from dinner out. The first time is all gone, Eve.
But ohhh, how I love that Babitz is able to take me to her “barge” parties in the ’70s. Like I’m her plus one. “Daaarling, you’re heeeere,” I can hear Max say to me as he opens the door and I arrive at his “simple gathering,” wearing a lavender corduroy coat.
I loved how Miranda July took me to that seedy hotel room she redecorated. And how it felt when she first laid eyes on Davey as he cleaned her car windshield. I can see his face as plain as day. How did she conjure him up with mere words on a page?
Thomas Wolfe said, “You Can’t Go Home Again,” Cher laments she can’t turn back time, and Eve says the first time is gone. All true, but incredibly great writers can make you feel like it’s the very first time. They can take you to places you’ve never been. And introduce you to characters that stay with you forever.
