Light up Your Love Life
Small shifts can ignite big sparks
By Justine Williams Roper, PT, DPT / Photos by Kate Treick Photography & Getty Images
I think it is time to be honest. From busy schedules to emotional stress, or even just feeling disconnected from our bodies, it’s easy for that inner spark to slowly fizzle out. But what if reigniting your love life didn’t require lots of time? What if it started with small, simple changes that allow you to start reconnecting with your body in a major way?
As a pelvic floor physical therapist, I’ve spent many years helping women explore this very idea. Small shifts in how we move, breathe and care for our pelvic health can have a surprisingly big impact, not just on comfort or confidence, but on intimacy, pleasure and connection too. It is often shocking to many of my patients and clients how simply slowing down to do easy things can help, because of how big a lack of desire can feel.
This isn’t about fixing a broken body. Even though there may be underlying health conditions that may contribute to intimacy issues. Simply scratching the surface is all about waking up to what is already within you and gently giving it room to shine.
YOUR PELVIC FLOOR: THE UNSUNG HERO OF INTIMACY
Let’s start with the basics. Your pelvic floor is a three-layered muscle hammock that starts at the base of your core and inserts at your tailbone. These muscles support your bladder, reproductive organs and bowels — and YES! Everyone has a pelvic floor: both men and women alike. The pelvic floor plays a vital role in posture, circulation, stability and sexual function.
When we talk about “lighting up” your love life or intimacy in general, we are truly talking about increasing body awareness, improving blood flow and minimizing tension in an area that is often either ignored or overworked.
You don’t have to be experiencing severe pelvic floor symptoms (i.e., pelvic pain, leakage, urgency, etc.) or have a diagnosed condition to benefit from pelvic floor care. If it were up to me, everyone would start caring for their pelvic floors earlier in life. You just need a desire to learn and feel more present, connected and curious about your body’s health and potential.
WHY DO SO MANY WOMEN FEEL DISCONNECTED?
“I want to feel more connected to my partner.”
“Things just don’t feel the same anymore.”
“I’m not sure how to be confident in my body after all of the different changes in life.”
Many women I meet in the clinic tell me the same thing in different ways.
I want to be clear. This isn’t always about dysfunction. That often is the case, but only part of the problem. It’s often about disconnection. The truth is, we live in a culture that doesn’t exactly teach us how to nurture our intimate selves. From how we talk about our bodies to how we care for or don’t care for our bodies, we are often a few steps behind simply because of what we have or haven’t been exposed to. We’re told how to look, how to please and how to perform, but rarely how to listen to our own bodies or even scientific truths about our bodies. I am excited that this is beginning to change slowly, but surely.
This is where pelvic health education comes in. It invites us to turn inward. To get curious instead of critical. To support the muscles and systems that allow us to feel, experience and express intimacy, whether that’s with a partner or in our own relationship with ourselves.
HOW SMALL CHANGES CREATE BIG SHIFTS
Let me share a story of many.
Women in their 40s, 50s and 60s come to me feeling “off.” Not in pain, but not feeling “right.” Feeling emotionally flat and less connected in her relationship, that “kind of numb” feeling both mentally and physically took over intimacy in a way that was disappointing. We don’t dive into big, dramatic interventions. We start with things like deep breathwork, pelvic posture awareness and pelvic mobility. All these things are really powerful, and many may be doing these things outside of a pelvic floor therapy clinic: at home, or even via video. However, learning how to incorporate relaxation into the pelvic floor daily and doing these types of movements consistently is where you see the changes. You have to make a routine that includes them as a part of daily life.
I think also finally having a safe place to discuss this private matter sets trapped feelings and negative energy free, which allows for a fresh start. It is extremely important not to suppress feelings like this, as the body will ultimately react.
After a few weeks, many of these women come back and say, “I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel more alive.”
That’s the power of subtle shifts. They change the way we feel in our bodies, and that changes everything else.
FIVE WAYS TO GENTLY LIGHT IT UP
If you’re curious about how to reconnect with your body and spark more intimacy, here are five gentle and effective ways to begin.
1. Breathe into your belly: Slow, diaphragmatic breathing helps relax your nervous system and improves circulation to your pelvic floor. Inhale slowly through your nose, letting your belly rise and fill. Exhale gently and feel your body relax. Do not allow any other area to hold tension, especially the glutes. Wiggle your toes, shake out your hands and repeat until you feel a sense of calm and less tension in the body overall. It may feel simple, but it is powerful!
2. Make room for movement: Stiffness in the hips and a tight lower back can affect how we feel during intimacy. Try hip circles, gentle yoga flows, or just a few minutes of pelvic stretching (i.e., butterfly stretch, piriformis stretch) each day to keep things more fluid.
3. Stay hydrated and nourished: Well-nourished parts of our body help maintain normal tissues, lubrication and blood flow. Hydration with minerals, whole foods and key nutrients, including magnesium, omega-3s and vitamin D, all help to support your energy and your pelvic health. Summer is upon us! Drinking plenty of water and eating hydrating foods, such as watermelon, helps too.
4. Explore without expectation: Sometimes, the pressure to feel a certain way during intimacy can make us feel disconnected in return. Instead, try exploring what feels good without rushing to an end goal. Touch, warmth and playfulness can be deeply intimate, even without having an ultimate end goal in mind.
5. See a pelvic floor specialist, even if you’re not in pain: Pelvic floor therapy isn’t only for postpartum moms or women experiencing menopause. In fact, it’s for anyone who wants to feel more connected to their body. We work with women in their 20s, 40s, 60s and beyond. We can also refer you to other resources, such as a talk therapist, if that’s what’s called for. Everybody has a story. All of us have the right to feel at home in our own bodies.
YOU DESERVE PLEASURE, PRESENCE, AND POSSIBILITY
This is what I want any person, especially women, reading this to know.
You don’t have to wait until things are bad enough to ask for help.
You don’t have to check off a bunch of boxes of what culture deems the status quo in order to deserve pleasure.
You don’t have to become anyone besides who you already are to rediscover joy, straight from the inside of your own skin.
No matter if you are a full-on glow or simply a quiet moment of flicker, your spark is still burning. And you are entitled to let it shine a little brighter. This summer, I wish you more curiosity, connection and things that light you up from the inside out.
